I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
