I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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