I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
