I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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