i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize