Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
