I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
