I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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