I met the friendliest cop last night
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
