Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
