Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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