found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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