I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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