so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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