I just cut my nipple shaving
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
