i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
