Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
