I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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