So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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