Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
