i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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