cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
