It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I wear drunk well.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize