the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
