I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize