Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
