Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
