genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
