i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize