whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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