if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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