And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
