I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
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