apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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