my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
