I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize