I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
