Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
