I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
