Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
