All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
