i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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