I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize