I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
