apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
