I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
