His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i would one night stand the shit outta him
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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