If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
time to smoke my breakfast
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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