who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
