You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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