cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
