i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
