I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
