when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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