i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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