Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
