in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
