I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
