Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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