I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
