Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize